


I Don't Know Why All The Leaves Change In The Fall.

by lovesamillionstories



Series: Shepherd Sibling Fics [1]
Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bisexual Character, Brother-Sister Relationships, Bullying, Canon Compliant About The Past To A Point, Canonical Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Headcanon, Homophobia, Kid Fic, Lesbian Character, Mental Health Issues, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Mother-Son Relationship, Multi, Post-Canon, Sibling Bonding, Sister-Sister Relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:48:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27337447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovesamillionstories/pseuds/lovesamillionstories
Summary: Growing up is hard, growing up as a weird smart kid with a dead dad makes it a little harder. The Shepherd kids have many struggles as they grow up.  They may have the name Shepherd but Zola, Bailey, and Ellis are Grey's, and nothing is easy about being a Grey.Series of stories about the Shepherd children growing up. Chapter title format is based on the first season of Private Practice.
Relationships: Derek Bailey Shepherd & Ellis Shepherd, Derek Bailey Shepherd & Meredith Grey, Derek Bailey Shepherd & Zola Grey Shepherd, Meredith & Her Kids, Meredith Grey/Derek Shepherd, Zola Grey Shepherd & Ellis Shepherd
Series: Shepherd Sibling Fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2136732
Comments: 8
Kudos: 34





	1. In Which Bailey Makes a Family Tree.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bailey struggles with a school assignment about family.

“Derek Shepherd?”

Bailey raises his hand, “Here”. This happens with every single new teacher. Derek is his first name but no one has ever called him anything but Bailey. All that hearing his first name does is make him think about his dad. So every new class is just a chance to be reminded of his dead dad. It always leads to him having to have an awkward conversation with a teacher that he doesn’t really know asking if they could please call him Bailey because no one ever calls him Derek. It’s only a month into the school year so he’s had to have a lot of these awkward conversations and he hasn’t been able to talk to every teacher about it yet, he knows he’s had the time but he kind of avoids the conversion because it’s so awkward to have. He wonders why his parents didn’t just make his first name Bailey in the first place and make Derek the middle name if they were never going to call him Derek at all.

Bailey doodles in his notebook as he listens to the teacher describe what they’re going to be working on for the next few weeks. They’re going to be working on a family tree project which doesn’t sound that bad at first. The part that makes Bailey a little nervous is that they have to write stories about their family. Things like how their parents met, the births of siblings, stories about dead family members. Bailey knows that along with having a dead dad there's plenty of stories about his family that aren’t good ones. He’s worried about how much he’s going to have to tell and that he’s not going to enough to tell if he doesn’t tell about the bad parts.

Bailey’s already halfway to the cafeteria for lunch when he realizes that he forgot to tell the teacher to call him Bailey because he was distracted by thinking about the project. So he’s going to have to have that awkward conversation another day.

Bailey’s alone for lunch. He used to eat with his older sister but now she’s not in the same school as him because in middle school. His little sister is at the same school as him but she’s only in the second grade so they don’t eat lunch at the same time. He doesn’t really have friends. He’s always been a bit of a weird kid. His obsession with medicine isn’t normal and the other kids don’t really understand what he talks about. They also pick on him for wearing things for girls. His mom says that those kids are stupid, that there’s nothing wrong with him for wearing those things, that they just don’t understand what he’s talking about because Bailey is s smart, that they don’t understand medicine like he does because they’re not smart enough to understand. It helps him feel better about not having friends but it doesn’t make the kids stop picking on him or want to be his friend. So every day during lunch he finds a quiet corner of the lunchroom to eat alone and read some kind of book that his room says is way higher than his grade level. 

He makes through the rest of the day without any issue. School isn’t really hard for him at all. Today is a day that his mom isn’t working during the afternoon so she can actually get him and his sisters from school. She can’t do it all the time but Bailey doesn’t mind. He knows how busy she is and she tries so hard to be able to be there as much as possible when she’s a single parent and a surgeon. On days when she picks him up, he’s supposed to find Ellis so they wait in the pick-up line together. He’s able to find her pretty quickly. Ellis is usually extremely quiet and shy at school but she immediately looks happy when she sees him. She gives him a big smile that shows off her missing front teeth and runs up to him “Bailey...hi”.  
Bailey takes her hand, it’s sticky but he pretends that it doesn’t bother him. “Hi”.

“Is Mommy getting us today?”

“Yes”.

“Good...I like when Mommy gets us”.

“Me too”.

Bailey leads Ellis out to the pick-up line. He knows the other kids might think it’s dumb for him to hold his sister’s hand but he doesn’t care. School is hard for Ellis because she’s shy around people that she doesn’t really know and doesn’t speak at school and that makes it hard for her to get to know people. So he wants to make her happy after school. He’s the only person that he really knows at school so it’s his job to make her feel safer.

Mom gets there pretty quickly. Bailey helps Ellis do her car seat buckles so Mom doesn’t have to.

“So how was school today?” Mom asks. She leaves the pick-up line as quickly as possible so she can get to Zola’s school to pick her up.

Ellis just says “Fine” and focuses on reading a book. She’s not usually very talkative about school.

Bailey is more talkative about school. “We have a new project in English”.

“What’s it about?”

“We have to do a family tree..and write about family stories”.

“Sounds exciting”.

“Yeah…”. Bailey doesn’t really think he sounds excited.

Mom notices his lack of excitement. “Do you not like the idea?” 

“Will I have to talk about Dad dying?”

Mom gets quiet for a moment. “No...I don’t they’ll make you do that”.

“Okay”. 

“...That’s up to you to share”.

Bailey’s quiet for the rest of the drive. Even when they get Zola and her and Mom and Ellis are talking about Mom’s day at work. He can’t stop thinking about his dad. He wishes he could remember him but he really doesn’t. He wasn’t even two years old when his ad died so he’s really too little to remember. He thinks he should ask Zola later. She was a little older so she might remember a little more.

When Bailey gets home he decides he’ll have a snack before he talks to Zola. So he makes a peanut butter sandwich and puts chocolate chips on it. He thinks it’s better than peanut butter and jelly even if everyone else thinks it’s weird. He also gets himself a glass of milk.

Once he’s finished eating he goes into Zola’s room and sits on her bed. She’s doing her homework so she seems a little annoyed to be seeing him, “Bailey, what do you want?”

“What was Dad like?”

Zola puts down her pencil. She goes to sit on the bed next to him, “You want to talk about Dad?”

“I don’t really remember anything about him”.

Zola gets a weird look on her face. She’s thinking, trying to remember. “He was...a really good dad...he was funny...and he played with us”.

“Okay”.

“He...really loved Mom...I remember that...and that she was different after he died”.

“How was she different?”

“She just...wasn’t as happy anymore...she lost her soulmate and it changed her”.

“Do you think she’s still different”?

“Yeah...she still misses him...I think she always will”.

Bailey fidgets with the string of his hoodie, “Do you miss him?”

“Of course...he’s my dad, don’t you miss him?”

Bailey doesn’t know exactly how to answer that question. “I don’t remember enough to miss him...but I miss having a dad because I don’t know that it’s like”.

Zola hugs him. She’s been getting taller lately so it’s a noodle armed hug. Bailey doesn’t care about that. Zola sounds sad when she speaks again about a minute later, “Honestly I don’t really know either”.

“You don’t remember that much do you”?

“Bailey...I was four...it’s been eight years...I don’t really remember”.

Bailey isn’t sure he should ask this next question, he thinks he’ll probably regret it but he just wants to know, “How did he die?”

“You know how he died...it was a car crash”.

“...I know...but what killed him?”

Zola squeezes him a little tighter, “I don’t know...we didn’t get to see him before he died...I know he didn’t die right away because we went to the hospital”.

“I don’t remember that”.

“I do...a little...I remember Mom telling us that he died...so I guess he was alive when we came but he died really soon after”.

“Is it bad that I want to know?”

“No...I don’t think it is”.

“I don’t know if I should ask Mom”.

“It could make her sad...maybe don’t”.

“I won’t”.

He sits with Zola in silence for a little bit. He doesn’t know what else to say and neither does she. After a bit, she gets up and goes back to her work and he gets up so he can go to his room and do his homework. 

When he’s lying in bed trying to sleep that night he can’t stop thinking about how he wants to know why Dad died because of the car accident. He doesn’t even know why he wants to know. He doesn’t know almost anything about his dad so maybe that’s why. He doesn’t ask his mom because he doesn’t want to make her sad. He thinks that maybe he should ask her things. She might miss talking about Dad. Because he’s been dead for so long no one probably does talk about him. Aunt Amelia does sometimes but not a lot. Aunt Maggie didn’t really know him but she did talk about him a little before she got sick. The only person he can really ask is Mom.  
Bailey lies in bed a bit longer before he gets up. It’s not that late so Mom should still be awake. He goes into her room. She’s still awake with the lights on. She’s reading a book but she puts it down when she sees him, “Hey Bailey...what are you doing up?”

“I wanted to talk about something”.

“Okay”.

Bailey climbs into the bed. He snuggles into his mom’s side, “How did Dad die?”

“Bailey...you know that he was in a car accident...what are you asking?”

“I mean..why did the car crash kill him? I don’t know why I want to know...sorry”.

Mom pulls him closer to her, “No, it’s okay for you to ask...we can talk about it”.

“Okay”.

“Do know what a brain bleed is right?”

Bailey holds on to his mom’s shirt, “It can happen when you hit your head”.

“That’s right”.

“So when it happens you’ll need a neurosurgeon...so they can cut a hole in your skull to fix it”.

“That’s right too”.

“Did Dad have one?”

“Yes...he did” 

“Why didn’t a neurosurgeon fix it?”

“They didn’t realize it was bleeding in time”

“Did he die from too much bleeding?”

“No..when the brain is hurt...it swells and if it swells too much it can make the brain die…”.

“Zola says Dad was alive when we went to the hospital...did his brain...die while we were there?”

“No...he was already brain dead...but he had machines breathing for him...but they got turned off because he wasn’t going to wake up”.

“So he was already dead?”

“Yes...he was, the machines were keeping his heart beating and keeping him breathing but he wasn’t really alive...so when they were turned off his heart stopped beating and he stopped breathing”.

“Okay”.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m sad…”.

Mom squeezes him very tightly and pulls him into her lap, “This is a sad thing to talk about”.

Bailey sniffles, “I don’t remember him...how did I forget?”

“You weren’t even quite two when he died...you were only a baby...people don’t really remember things from being a baby”.

“I wish I did”.

“I wish you did too”.

“What would he think of me?”

Mom kisses the top of his head, “He would think you’re a very smart boy and he’d be very proud of that”.

Bailey’s crying a little bit now, “Would he think it’s weird I paint my nails and wear things for girls?”

“No..he’d be okay with that”.

“Okay…”.

“He would just...he loved you so much and he’d keep loving you for who you are”.

Bailey curls up in Mom’s lap. “I think it would to nice to have a dad...is it?”

“My dad...wasn’t really around when I was a kid...I don’t know what it’s really like”.

“That’s sad…”.

“It is a little sad...but it’s okay, it was a long time ago and you don’t have to worry about me”.

“I don’t know almost anything about Dad...will you tell me things?”

“I will”.

“Okay”.

“What do you want to know about him?”

“What was he like as a surgeon?”

Mom smiles, “Oh...he was an amazing neurosurgeon”.

“Did you ever operate with him?”

“I did..while I was a resident”.

“Was it cool?”

“Yes...it was...cool, he was very talented and so good with his hands and it was amazing to watch”

“Did he save a lot of people?”

“He did...he used to do what he called hopeless case neurosurgery...where he tried to save people that no one else would try to help”.

“Did he save them?”

“Not all the time...but sometimes he did”.

“That’s really cool”.

“Before surgery….he used to say...it’s a beautiful day to save lives...or a beautiful night if it was night time”.

“I want to be a surgeon too”.

“I know you do…”.

“I think I want to say...what Dad used to say...why did he say it?”

“For good luck”.

“I want good luck before I try and save a life...so I’ll say what he said”.

Mom has a soft, sad smile, “I think he would like that”.

“Good”, Bailey tries and fails to hold back a yawn.

“You’re tired...you need to go to sleep”.

“Can I stay with you?”

“Of course you can”.

Mom turns off the light and Bailey curls up with her. He feels safe and loved with her. She does the work of two parents for him and his sisters. She’s so busy but she’s there as much as she can be. She does everything she can to be there for him and his sisters. He knows that she loves them more than anything. So he’s able to fall asleep quickly when he’s curled up with her.

He’s woken up early by her alarm. Mom apologies, “I’m sorry you got woken up...I have to go to work very early today...Alex will come and get you all ready for school”.

Bailey yawns, “Okay...can I go back to sleep?”

“Yes...Alex will be here before you have to leave”.

“Okay…”.

Bailey manages to fall back asleep. He’s shaken awake a bit later by Alex, “Okay kiddo...time to get up and go to school”.

Bailey sits up and rubs his eyes, “Okay...I’ll get ready”.

Bailey has to decide if he wants to dress to avoid teasing or dress how he wants. He wishes he could wear a skirt at school but he knows that the other kids would murder him for it. He can’t really go further than jewelry or girl socks and shoes. The other kids wouldn’t ever let it go if he wore a skirt or dress or anything too girly. The light blue polish on his nails is chipped and he doesn’t know if he’ll bother fixing it, it’s just another thing that kids will pick on him for. Today Bailey dresses in a way that will let him avoid teasing.

Bailey decides that today he’ll tell his language arts teacher to please call him Bailey. He’s already told his other teachers to do it so she’s the only one left. Maybe he can ask her about how many stories about his family he needs for the assignment and if he needs to specify if people in his family tree are dead or not.

He waits till everyone else has left the classroom to talk to the teacher. She notices he’s staying and asks him about it, “Why aren’t you going to your next class Derek?’

“...Can you...call me Bailey? I go by my middle name...no one calls me Derek”.

The teacher nods, “I can call you Bailey, is there anything else you wanted to talk to me about?”

“Yeah...how many stories do we have to tell about our family”.

“Just...a story about your family...why they’re the way they are...about family traditions and any stories you know about dead family members”.

“Do I have to talk about my dad dying?"

The teacher looks like she didn’t expect that question, “You can...say as much as you're comfortable with sharing with the class about your dad”.

“Okay...thank you”.

“No problem”.

When Bailey gets home he thinks that he should start working on the family tree project. He isn’t going to get to the family stories part of it yet. The family tree part should be easy. Before he puts it on something like a poster board he’ll map it out on scrap paper. The first part of it is easy, he just has to do his parents and them him and his sisters. The next thing he thinks he should do is his parent's siblings. First, he does all four of dad’s sisters, then for Mom, he does Aunt Maggie, then he does Aunt Lexie. He never got to know his Mom’s other sister. She died before he was born and he isn’t really sure how she died. Ellis’s middle name is Alexandra because that was Lexie's name, and also because of Alex. Bailey thinks that Mom might have another half-sister but he doesn’t know her name so he’ll ask her later. He adds his Mom’s parents and then his Dad’s parents, but he doesn’t know the name of Dad’s dad so he’ll have to ask Mom that too. He also isn’t sure if he should put Richard and Grandma Ellis as Maggie’s parents or put Maggie’s adoptive parents down. He doesn’t know the names of Maggie’s adoptive parents though, but he knows that when you get adopted the people that adopt you are your real parents. He’ll ask Mom what he should do about that. He also doesn’t know the name of Lexie’s mom, just that Grandpa Thatcher was her dad. He also thinks he should put his cousins down but he really doesn’t know the name of almost any of his cousins. Bailey realizes that this is harder than he thought it would be. He has a lot of questions for his mom

Bailey gives up on the family tree for the time being. He can work on it and asks his mom the questions later. She’s not home and won’t be till five so Zola’s in charge for the next hour and a half. When Mom is gone longer than a few hours or overnight she’ll have a friend watch them but she’s going to be home before dinner. Bailey knows she doesn’t want to leave them alone but he doesn’t mind. She never leaves them for long and they always have enough food. Bailey puts his unfinished family tree draft in his language arts folder. He decides that he’ll wear the clothes that he wished he could have worn to school today. So he puts on a blue dress, pink cardigan, and some bead bracelets that Ellis made for him. At home no one cares that he likes to dress like a girl sometimes. He used to do it in secret and steal Zola’s clothes, he had been really worried when his mom found out but she hadn’t made a big deal out of it. All she had done was take him to get his own girl clothes because Zola was tired of her clothes going missing.

When Mom gets home Bailey tells her that he’s having trouble with his school work and some of the names on his family tree. Mom asks, “How can I help with that”?

Bailey gets her to sit with him at the kitchen table and takes out his family tree draft, “Can you help me with some names?”

Mom looks at the tree, “Yeah..what names do you need help with?”

“Do you have a sister besides Aunt Lexie and Aunt Maggie?”

“I do...her name is Molly Thompson…”.

Bailey adds Molly to his family tree,“Okay...does she have kids?”

“I know she has a daughter named Laura...I think she has more kids but I don’t know their names”.

Bailey adds Laura to the tree, “What about Laura’s dad?”

“His name is Eric...I think”.

Bailey adds Eric to the tree and thinks that it’s weird that Mom doesn’t know the name of her sister’s husband for sure, and that it’s weird that he didn’t know his aunt’s name, “What’s Molly and Lexie’s mom named?’

“Her name was Susan…”.

Bailey adds Susan to the tree, “What about the names of all my cousins?”

Mom struggles to name all his cousins and seems unsure of them, she also seems unsure of the names of the husbands of all his aunts and who’s the mother of which cousin. She does her best though. Bailey puts all the names down, “Do I put Richard and Grandma Ellis as Aunt Maggie’s parents or her parents?”

“I don’t know...you could just put her as my sister”.

“Wouldn’t it be unfair to leave Richard off?”

“I don’t know...maybe the whole class doesn’t need to know the full story”.

Bailey doesn’t really know what Mom is talking about, “What is the full story”?

“...it’s long...and hard to explain…”.

“I could just say she’s your half-sister and not explain but put Richard on still?”

“Okay...that’s fine..that works”

“Okay...good”.

“I’m sure you’ll do a very good job on your family tree”.

“Yeah...I have to do family stories still but I can do it later...and I have to do the final family tree on a poster board...with pictures and stuff”.

“I will get you the things you need to make it”.

“Okay...thank you for helping”.

Mom kisses his forehead, “I was happy to help you”.

“Will you help me with some stories about our family?”

“Of course I will”.

In bed that night Bailey is left wondering about a lot of things. He wonders why he didn’t ever meet Aunt Molly. He thinks about how he has no idea how Aunt Lexie died, he never thought to ask and he isn’t sure he should because he doesn’t think it’s a good story. He knows that she died right before she became a fifth year resident so she had to be pretty young when she died. He doesn’t know why Grandpa Thatcher and Grandma Ellis got a divorce. He thinks that maybe that Grandma Ellis and Richard had an affair. That could be why Thatcher and Ellis divorced. Mom says she didn’t really have a dad growing up so Thatcher must have left or something and married Susan and had Aunt Lexie and Aunt Molly. The story of his family seems to be a really confusing and messy one.There’s a lot he doesn’t know and he doesn’t know how to ask. He thinks that he might be right about Ellis and Richard having an affair and that must be why Mom didn’t tell him “The Full Story”. Maybe that’s why Ellis put Maggie up for adoption instead of keeping her. His family is full of weird sad mysteries and he doesn’t know if he’ll ever find out the truth behind all of them.

Bailey spends the next week and a half focused on the visual family tree part of his project. He doesn’t have pictures of everyone on the tree so he finds other ways to do a visual representation of those people on his tree. He makes sure to have good pictures of people that he does have pictures of. He includes the birth, and death dates that he knows. He adds stickers of leaves to make the family tree look more like an actual tree. He uses a gold gel pen to draw the lines between the people on the tree and adds details to make it look a little like a tree trunk. He thinks it looks really, really good. 

Bailey realizes that after he finishes the family tree project that he’s going to need to start on the family stories project. The part that makes him kind of nervous. He’s got so many questions but he doesn’t think most of the things he wants to know are stories that his mom would even tell him. So he has to think of something that she will tell him so he can get his work done.

One saturday Mom isn’t working so she sits with him on the couch and asks him, “So what stories do you want to talk about for your project”.

Bailey thinks for a moment, “How about how you and Dad adopted Zola?”

“Oh...that’s a good choice...it’s a good story”.

“Yeah”.

“So...the hospital was doing a program to help orphans from Africa..and Zola was one of these orphans...she was about six months olds and she hadn’t had surgery for her spina bifida or hydrocephalus so she wasn’t a healthy baby at the time...but your dad did surgery on her to fix both of those things...and when we both met her...we couldn’t imagine anyone else being her parents”.

“...That is a good story”.

Mom smiles “It is...what else do you want to hear about?”

“How did you and dad meet and what was your wedding like?”

“I don’t think you’re really...old enough for the full story...but..I’ll tell you as much of our love story as you’re ready to hear”.

“Okay”.

“I met your dad...at the hospital and we took a long time to fall in and I took a very long time to trust him...but then I did...and when we got married...we didn’t really have a wedding...we wrote down promises to each other on a post it and that was our wedding...we only got legally married when we adopted Zola”.

“Do you still have the post it?”

“Yes”.

“Could I see it?”

“Of course...I’ll get it”.

Mom gets up and when she comes back she has a post it in a picture frame. She hands it to Bailey, “here you go...be careful with it”.

Bailey recognizes the handwriting of his mother’s signature but not the writing on the post it. He realizes that means it’s his dad’s handwriting. It looks like his handwriting. It’s a trait he shares with his dad. He doesn’t have a lot from his dad besides his first name, not memoires, not even many physical traits,but now he has his dad’s handwriting, “Dad writes like me”.

Meredith looks at the post it, “Oh..you’re right...you write just like him”.

“I don’t have almost anything from him...but I have his handwriting”.

“I didn’t realize that until now..I haven’t seen his handwriting for so long”.

“...If you ever miss it...just look at mine”.

Mom hugs him, “I love you”.

Bailey hugs her tight, “I love you too”.

“Are there any other stories you want to hear?”

“...I have some questions...but I don’t think they’d be good for school”.

“It’s okay for you to ask”.

“What happened to Aunt Lexie?”

“...Oh..”.

Bailey can tell that Mom is upset thinking about it, “Sorry...I shouldn’t have asked”

“No…it’s okay…”.  
“Okay…”.

“Your Aunt Lexie...died in a plane crash”.

Bailey remembers something about how Sofia said her dad died in a plane crash, “Is that the same plane crash that killed Sofia’s dad?”

“Yes...it was”.

“Were you there?”, Bailey doubts that she was, he doesn’t think people really survive plane crashes. 

“I was...and so was Dad..and Arizona and Cristina”.

Bailey’s shocked, “How did you even survive?”

“I don’t know...but we spent days in those woods together...and most of us made it out”.

“...Is that how Arizona lost her leg?”

“Yes”.

“I can’t believe you survived that”.

“I know…”.

“...Wow”.

“A few months after the crash...I realized that I was pregnant with you”.

“Oh”.

“...I didn’t think I could really get pregnant..so you were a surprise”.

“A good one?”

“The best one...you and Ellis both were”.

“Okay”, Bailey can’t stop thinking about how his mom survived a plane crash. He knows from the story she’s told him of how he was born that she almost died giving birth to him. He thinks the same thing might have happened with Ellis from what he knows and remembers about her being born. His mom had so many bad things happen to him but she’s somehow still alive after all that. She lost a lot of people and she’s not sad all the time and she can be happy and take care of him and his sisters. His mom is the strongest person he’s ever met. Bailey realizes that he knows what to write the family stories portion of his assignment about.

They’re going to be presenting their assignments in front of their classmates and parents. Because the school is having an open house night so all the grades are going to present projects for parents to come and see them. Bailey knows that Ellis’s class is showing projects they did about a chosen animal. He knows Ellis isn’t looking forward to it and Bailey doesn’t even understand why her teachers are making her do it. Ellis pretty much doesn’t speak at all at school so it’s not like she’ll be able to present a project to everyone. Bailey’s not that nervous about presenting usually but he’s nervous about this one, he wants it to be perfect.

On open house night he gets to see Ellis’s class’s project with Mom and Zola because they’re presenting before his class. Ellis doesn’t end up presenting her’s, she won’t even get up in front of everyone. She does show it to him and Mom after her class is done, “it’s about sea otters”.

Bailey gives her a big smile, hoping to make her feel better about not being able to present, “It’s cool”.

Mom smiles too, “It’s very good”.

Zola joins in on praising her sister, “Your otter drawing is so cute”.

Ellis looks very happy because of the praise from her family, “Thank you”.

They spend a little longer talking about sea otters with Ellis before they have to go so Bailey can get ready to present his project. His last name starting with S means he has to watch a lot of people go before he does. It makes him worry that the thing he wrote for his family story is dum and that people will tease him. The thing he wrote isn’t like anyone else’s so far.

When it’s Bailey’s turn to go the first thing he has to do is present his family tree. That part is the easy part. He just has to say the names of his relatives and how they’re related to him. He also says when they were born and for some of them when they died. Then it’s the harder part, the family story part.

Bailey fiddles with his paper for a moment before speaking, “I have a lot of...shocking...cool stories I could tell about my family but that’s not what I’m going to tell...The person I’m going to tell a story about is my mom, because she’s the strongest person I’ve ever met, my mom met my dad when she was a surgical intern and he was a neurosurgeon, they took a long time to fall in love but then they got married by writing their vows on a post it note...a while after that they adopted my older sister Zola because when they met her...they couldn’t imagine anyone else being her parents, and I can’t imagine anyone else being my older sister, my mom and dad got in a plane crash before I was born and my mom’s sister and one of their friends died, she got pregnant with me after the crash and she almost died giving birth to me, when I was about two years old my dad died in a car crash, nine months after that she had to give birth to my little sister alone. So my mom has been through a lot of bad stuff but she survived it...if I was her I’d just want to be sad forever but she isn’t, she takes care of me and my sisters without another parent to help and she does a really good job of it...and she’s here for everything important even if she’s a really busy surgeon, my mom is the strong and amazing person that keeps my family together.”

Once Bailey finishes he gets clapping from the parents and a few looks from his classmates that say ‘I think you’re a mama’s boy and I will never let you live that down’. He tries to ignore them. He doesn’t care what they think. He loves his mom and he isn’t afraid to say it.

Mom looks very misty-eyed when he sees her after he finishes. She grabs him and gives him the tightest hug, “Did I do a good job?” Bailey asks.

“You did a very...very good job.”

“I wanted to do it about you”.

“Bailey...you..you’re a very good boy and I love you so much.”

Bailey hugs his mom tight, “I love you too.”

Once they’re done at the open house they all get ice cream. Bailey thinks he might get an A on the project. Even if he doesn’t get an A seeing his mom this happy is worth just as much, even if he were to somehow fail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a lot longer than the next two. I promise I'll give the girls some longer stories too.


	2. In Which Zola Comes Out of the Closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zola has a lot she wants to tell her dad. She can't do more than talking to a stone.

Zola doesn’t want to sound like one of those not like the other girl’s people but she feels like she isn’t like the other girls. She keeps hearing them talk about their crushes on boys and she just doesn’t understand why they have crushes on boys. She never would want to marry a boy, or date one, or even kiss one. Zola doesn’t like boys so that means she probably likes girls.

Zola is a little scared by the thought that she could be a lesbian. She kind of wants to be one though. It just means she’d have to come out and that sounds sort of scary. She doesn’t think her mom would care, her mom lets her brother dress in girls’ clothes. Her mom has friends that are gay and bisexual. She worries about what other people outside of her family would think. She knows that people get bullied for being gay. People bully her brother because they think he’s gay even if Bailey doesn’t think of himself as anything yet. Getting bullied for being gay isn’t something she wants to deal with. She thinks that she might be able to keep the other kids from finding out though. Unless she tells someone or has a girlfriend they’re not going to guess she’s gay. She doesn’t know how they’d know unless she says something.

She wishes she could tell her dad about this. She knows he would have accepted her. He had loved her so much so he definitely wouldn’t have cared about her probably being a lesbian. She thinks that he would be proud of her for coming out and being brave.

That weekend she tells her mom she’s going out. She leaves before she has a chance to ask where Zola is going. Zola takes the bus to the cemetery. She’s able to find her dad’s grave pretty easily. She’s visited enough times that she doesn’t even really have to look for it.

Zola kneels down in front of her dad’s grave and places her hand on top of the stone. She looks to make sure no one is around before she starts talking, “Hey...sorry I haven’t been around for a while...just things got busy and I didn’t have the time...I’m thirteen now...so that’s cool I guess...I’m a teenager now…and Ellis is eight, Bailey isn’t eleven yet but he will be soon...I’ve gotten a lot taller...maybe I'll end up being tall...but I came because I wanted to tell you something...I think I'm a lesbian...and I really wanted someone to know...and I really want you to know."

Zola of course doesn't get a response from a cold stone. She doesn't even really believe in any kind of afterlife so she thinks he can't hear her. Her dad has been dead for almost nine years. She only got to have him for three and a half years. He's dead and dead people don't hear the things you say six feet above their dead, decomposed bodies. She’ll never be able to tell him anything about her life. He doesn’t know that she wants to be a neurosurgeon like him. He doesn’t know that he has a second daughter, or that Bailey has his handwriting. He will never know about any of those things. Nothing she’s ever said to his grave has been heard by him because he’s dead. Dead people don’t hear, dead people don’t know things because they’re dead.

Zola even though she knows he can’t hear her, keeps talking to her dad, “I miss you...Mom misses you too...and Bailey does...but he doesn’t remember you...Ellis talks about you...even if she never met you...she knows who you were...I don’t remember a lot about you...I try but I was so little when you died...that I don’t have a lot to remember...I try and hold on to what I have...but it’s so little.”

Zola feels sad and empty. She doesn’t want to be talking to a gravestone. She wants to have her dad here to talk to. She can’t bring him back by talking to his grave or crying or missing him. He’s dead. Dead is dead and death is permanent. For the rest of her life, she’ll have no dad.  
She thinks she should go home instead of just sitting here. It’s not going to bring her dad back. It’s getting late and she doesn’t her mom to worry.

Today seems to be Zola’s enemy. Because it starts raining when she’s walking home from the bus stop. She didn’t bring her raincoat which was pretty stupid of her. She’s soaked by the time she gets inside.

Mom looks concerned when she sees her. Probably because she’s soaked and crying a little, “Zola...what happened?”

Zola sniffles, “I...went...to..see dad...and it made me sad...and it started raining so now I’m cold and wet…”.

Mom doesn’t care that she’s totally soaked, she hugs her anyway, “Oh...Zola”.

“I need to...get in dry clothes...I’m freezing”.

“...I’ll get you some dry clothes”.

Zola gets into the dry pajamas her mom brought her. It’s not even that late but she decides to get into bed. She wants to be under warm blankets until she stops feeling so cold and stops missing her dad so much. 

Mom comes into her room and sits on her bed, “Do you want to talk?”

“I guess.”

“I didn’t know you went to the cemetery by yourself...have you done it before?”

“A few times.”

“...Okay.”

“I wanted to tell Dad something...but I don’t think dead people can hear what we say...do you think we they can?”

Mom lies besides her so she can hold her, “I don’t know.”

“I think I know what he would of thought of what I told him but I wish I could hear what he’d really have to say.”

“Do you want to tell me what you wanted to tell him...or would this have been something just between you and him?”

Zola takes a deep breath, “Mom...I’m a lesbian...or at least I’m pretty sure.’

Mom is quiet for a moment and it makes Zola nervous, “Thank you for trusting me to tell me...I’m glad you felt like you could trust me...I love you and I’m proud of you for being brave enough to come out.”

Zola feels like a weight was lifted off her shoulders. It’s no longer a secret and nothing huge changned when it stopped being a secret, “I’m glad I told somebody.”

“Do you want to tell your brother and sister later?”

“Yeah.”

“We’ll find a time to tell them...do you want me to help you explain anything or do you want to do it yourself?”

“I want you there...and if they have questions I think I can answer them but if I need your help...please help me”.

“I will.”

“Thank you.”

“It’s no problem...is there anything else you want to talk about?”

“...I miss Dad.”

Mom sounds sad,“I miss him too.”

“He’s been gone for so long...and I don’t remembrr as much as I want.”

“That isn’t your fault...you were so little when he died.”

“I just want to be like him...I’ll be a neurosuregon like him.’

“I’m sure you’ll be an azmzing one.”

“I just wish I had gotten to see him operate, I bet he was amazing.”

“He was an amazing talented surgeon...who saved people that no one else would try and save.”

“...I want to do that.”

“I think you’ll be an amazing neurosurgeon.”

Zola feels much better after coming out to her mom. She’s in a way come out to both parents now. She thinks the sort of coming out to her dad made it easier to say it to her mom. Saying it to her dad’s grave was the first time she said it out loud. When she said outloud that she thought she was a lesbian she had felt so sure of it. Zola’s almost positive now that she’s a lesbian. Being a lesbian makes her happy and feels like a good thing. She can kiss girls, date girls and marry them if she’s a lesbian and that’s what she wants to do. She doesn’t think she could do those things with any boy.

Coming out to her brother and sister the next day goes fine. The accept it immediately and don’t have any kind of big reaction. It’s not like they haven’t known other gay people so this isn’t anything new to them. Zola finds herself really grateful that her mom is a good ally who never made anything about gay people be strange. It made coming out to her family a lot less stressful. 

Zola thinks she should tell Cristina next. She’s her mom’s person and she’s at their house a lot so it won’t be hard to find a time to do it and she’s sure that Cristina would accept her. So on a night that Cristina is at their house to hang out with Mom she waits for a moment when Cristina is alone and sits with her, “Can I tell you something?”

“Of course...as long as it’s something terrible that you’re asking me to keep secret from your mom...like if you’re pregnant or something I can’t hide that.”

Zola likes the way Cristina talks to her like she’s an adult instead of a child. She doesn’t really filter anything around Zola, “I’m not pregnant...I’m gay.”

“Oh...that’s like the opposite of pregnant.”

Zola laughs, “Yeah.”

“I’m bisexual.”

Zola is a little surprised, “I didn’t know that.”

“Have you already told your mom?”

“Yeah.”

“That went well I’m guessing.”

“It did...I told Bailey and Ellis too.”

Cristina wraps an arm around Zola’s shoulders, “Good job figuring yourself out so young, I didn’t realize I was bi until I was a resident.”

“I just never want to be with a boy and I want to date girls...it wasn’t that hard to realize.”

“I didn’t really get that I could like both...so it took me a long time.”

“Does Mom know?”

“Of course she does...I wouldn’t not tell her that.”

Zola feels lucky that she has such a supportive family. She considers Cristina a member of her family so now she has someone in her family that’s like her. It makes her feel safe and like if she has problems that her straight mom won’t understand she can go to Cristina. She’ll have someone who understands that side of her. 

One day when she gets home from school there’s a package on her bed. She opens it and she’s delighted at what she finds. It’s a lesbian flag that she’s sure that her mom got for her. It’s something small but it almost makes her cry anyway. Not everyone is so lucky to get something like that from their parents. She hangs it on the wall above her bed. She can wear it to a pride parade one day. She’s sure her mom would take her. She thinks her siblings might come too and maybe that Cristina could come. She’s never been to a pride parade but she thinks it has to be really fun.

She still isn’t out at school. She hasn’t told anyone and doesn’t really have people to tell. But one day she buys a button with a rainbow flag on it and decides to put it on the denim jacket she got for her birthday. She decides to wear it to school, even if she might get teased. She’s afraid but being out of the closet feels really freeing. She’s proud of herself for doing this. Zola Shepherd is a lesbian. She’s not scared by it anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was definitely projecting in this. I'm a lesbian and I put some of my questioning experience onto Zola.


	3. In Which Ellis Finds Her Bravery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellis wishes she could be less afraid.

Ellis doesn’t hate school. She likes the learning part of it a lot. She doesn’t feel totally comfortable and relaxed at school though. Because of that, she can’t talk in school. She can speak fine at home or to her mom’s friends but at school, she can’t say a word. She feels too uncomfortable and worried at school to be able to say anything.

Ellis sits in the back of the class at school. Next to the window. She looks out the window a lot and she sees things. Like the other classes playing at recess or when ducks land on the field. She watches things when she’s done with her work.

Some of the other kids think Ellis is stupid because she doesn’t talk. Ellis knows she isn’t stupid. She does very well with school and she’s always found it easy. Her mom says that she’s smart just like her brother and sister. Ellis thinks that maybe being smart makes it hard to make friends. Not as hard as not being able to talk at school makes it.

She thinks she’s a bit of a scaredy-cat for not being able to talk at school. Everyone else can do it but she can’t. When they’re supposed to show things in front of the class Ellis can’t. She freezes up and can’t say a word. The teacher always has her try and Ellis wishes she didn’t. Being in front of everyone makes her feel unsafe and scared. One time she cried and some people laughed at her. She hates it more than anything when people laugh at her. She doesn’t think it’s funny when she cries because she hates when the teacher makes her do something she knows that she can’t do. It makes her feel scared and embarrassed when people laugh at her for something she can’t control. It’s not her fault she can’t speak in school or that she cries when she’s really upset. She wishes she could just talk because it would be so much easier but she just can’t do it.

Ellis talks a lot at home. She feels safe and comfortable at home so it’s never hard to talk at home. Today after school she’s playing surgeon with Bailey. When they play surgeon they turn the living room into an operating room. This time they’re doing a kidney transplant on two dolls. Bailey’s harvesting the organ and she’s going to do the transplant. She has to be a scrub nurse when Bailey’s doing his surgery. He’ll do it for her when it’s her turn to do surgery. 

Bailey finishes draping the doll with a sheet, “It’s a beautiful day to save lives… let’s have some fun”.

Ellis knows that’s something that their dad used to say. Bailey likes to say it now every time they start one of their doll surgeries.

“Scissors”, Bailey says.

Ellis takes the scissors off the baking sheet they’re using as a surgical tray. They’re not sharp scissors so Bailey takes a moment to cut into the doll where the kidney would be if she was an actual person. Then Bailey pulls out a small amount of stuffing and puts it in a little plastic container so they transplant it into their other patient, “Sutures.”

Ellis hands Bailey a needle and some thread. He’s only ten years old but he can already do small even stitches. Their mom had taught him how to suture after he had begged her. Ellis wants to learn too but having small hands makes it hard. Mommy says it’s okay and that it’ll get easier when she’s older.

When it’s Ellis’s turn to play the surgeon she needs a little help with the cutting. Cutting the fabric of a doll body is hard. Once she’s cut a hole in the doll’s body she puts in the stuffing that they’re using for a kidney. After that, she sews up the hole in the doll. Her stitches are a little messy but they’re mostly pretty neat. “The surgery went well Doctor Shepherd.”

Bailey smiles at her, “It did...Doctor Shepherd.”  
“If we both work at the same place what will they call us?”

“I guess it’ll just be confusing.”

Ellis wishes she could feel the confidence she feels when she pretends to be a surgeon at school. Imagining herself as someone who can save lives and change them makes her feel like she can do anything. At school, she only feels small.

A few days later she’s left alone home with her siblings because Mommy is still at work. Zola’s been in her room and Ellis is hungry and wants to ask her for help making a snack. So she goes into Zola’s room. Zola’s in bed and she doesn’t seem to notice when Ellis comes in so maybe she’s asleep. She’s got her eyes closed and the lights are off. Ellis speaks quietly so she doesn’t wake her up, “Zola?”

Zola does open her eyes so she’s not sleeping. She’s speaking weirdly quietly, “Yeah?”

“...I’m hungry.’

Zola’s already shutting her eyes again, “Oh.”

Ellis thinks that she’s acting weird. She shouldn’t be this sleepy, “Are you okay?”

Zola’s eyes stay shut, “Just a headache...I’m okay.”

Ellis leaves to let Zola rest. She remembers there’s something about Zola and headaches that are bad. Her older sister has something called hydrocephalus. Ellis doesn’t really know what it is but she does know it has to do with Zola’s brain. She knows that Zola was born with spina bifida meaning she had a hole in her back and she had to have surgery to fix it. She also knows that because of it she had too much fluid in her brain. So she had surgery to fix it but if she has too fluid in her brain again she could need more surgery. She also knows that Zola could get really sick from too much fluid in her brain or maybe even die.

Ellis gets on the desktop computer in the living room. It takes her a while but she manages to spell hydrocephalus close enough to correct that google knows what she means. She figures out quickly that what Zola has kept her from having too much fluid in her brain is a shunt. Also that shunts can fail and when they do it’s an emergency. She thinks she should check on Zola again.

This time Zola doesn’t open her eyes until Ellis shakes her. When she does open her eyes she doesn’t open them all the way. Her voice sounds really weak and quiet, “...Ellis.’

Ellis knows that something is wrong. Zola shouldn’t be like this and something is really wrong. They need to get help before Zola gets worse. She doesn’t know what to do and she hopes Bailey does so she yells “Bailey!” Even if the loud noise makes Zola flinch.  
Bailey comes in, “What is it?’

“I think Zola’s shunt isn’t working.’

Bailey looks surprised that she knows what that is. Then he looks worried, “That’s really bad.”

“Look at her.”

Bailey climbs on the bed next to Zola. He carefully pats her cheek and her eyes flutter open, “Zola..how do you feel?”

Zola makes a little whimper noise, “It hurts.”

Bailey’s face turns very serious, “Ellis...we should call for help.”

Ellis is scared now, “Do we call Mommy or 911?”

“It’s an emergency...so 911.”

Ellis finds Zola’s phone so they can call 911. She has Bailey do it because she’s too scared to talk to the 911 people. She just holds Zola’s hand and hopes it’ll be okay.

The ambulance ride is kind of scary. She’s never been in an ambulance before and it’s siren is loud and it’s going so fast. They don’t seem to be able to do much to help her. They just have to get her to a hospital. She holds Bailey’s hand as he tells the EMTs about how Zola has a shunt and that they think it’s not working anymore. When they get to the hospital they get taken to a waiting room. Ellis keeps holding on to Bailey’s hand. 

A nurse comes over to them and speaks in a gentle voice, “Do you have a number we should call...for your mom or dad?”

Bailey squeezes her hand tighter, “Our mom works here”, he says.

“Okay...what’s her name and what does she do?”

“She’s Meredith Grey...she’s a surgeon.”

“Okay...I’ll go and find her.”

Mommy is still in a scrub cap and surgical gown when she comes into the waiting room. She sits with her and Bailey. Then they just have to wait. Waiting is terrible and makes Ellis worry. They can't know if Zola will be okay. Mommy is worried and it makes Ellis worry more. Mommy is a surgeon and if she's worried about something medical then that's bad. She needs Zola to be okay. If Zola isn’t okay everyone will be way too sad.  
A doctor comes out after a while. He talks to Mommy and says a lot of things that Ellis doesn’t understand. Then she looks a lot calmer and she smiles. That’s when Ellis knows it’s okay. Mom stops talking to the doctor to talk to her and Bailey, “Zola’s okay...everything is okay.”

When they go and see Zola she looks okay. She’s missing some hair and has a bandage but really she doesn’t look so bad. She’s still sleeping and Ellis thinks that because she had surgery that she’ll be asleep for a while. What really matters is that she’s fine and she will wake up.

Mommy’s staying the night with Zola. She doesn’t want her and Bailey to be stuck at the hospital all night so they’re going to stay the night with Cristina. Ellis always likes staying with Cristina because she’s fun. She lets them do a lot of fun things and have really unhealthy food for dinner. She thinks that Cristina is so fun because she doesn’t have kids. Since she doesn’t have kids she doesn’t know how to parent so she doesn’t try to be one. She just keeps them alive and happy without worrying about things like bedtime or if dinner is super healthy.

It’s late so Cristina just gets them happy meals. She lets them watch The Simpsons for a while before telling them they should sleep. She only has one bedroom so they sleep on the couch. The day has been so long and it’s later than she normally sleeps so she falls asleep really easily.

In the morning they go back to the hospital. Zola’s awake now and eating lime jello. She smiles at her and Bailey and Cristina, “Hi.”

Ellis is really glad to see her sister is okay, “You’re okay.”

“Yeah.”

Bailey smiles at Zola, “You look a lot better.”

“I feel a lot better...you should both watch TV with me.”

So they both carefully get in bed with Zola. Hospital TV isn’t that good but it’s just nice to be with Zola. So they can know she’s okay. 

Bailey must not have slept well last night because he ends up falling asleep. Zola does her usual older sister thing by making sure he’s comfortable even if she’s clearly still pretty tired. She takes one of her blankets and puts it over him.

Ellis grabs her sister’s hand and squeezes it, “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Me too...thank you for realizing something was wrong."

"...Okay."

"How did you know?"

"I knew you had hydrocephalus...and headaches were bad...so I looked it up."

"That was really smart...you saved me."

Ellis fidgets with the buttons on her shirt, "Bailey was the one who called for help...and the surgeon saved you."

“They couldn’t have done it without you.”

“I got too scared...I’m always too scared.”

“That’s not true.”

Ellis doesn’t know why Zola is saying that,“...I get scared too much…I’m too scared to talk on the phone...and to talk at school...and I was too scared to talk on the phone even when you needed help...how am I ever going to be a doctor and save people when I’m too scared to even answer a question in class that I know I’m right about?”

Zola puts her hands on Ellis’s cheeks, “Look at me.”

Ellis lifts her head so she can look Zola in the eye. Zola looks very tired but also very serious about what she’s about to say.

“You are brave...being brave doesn’t mean you’re never scared...you do things even when you’re scared and that’s brave...and you can save people...you already saved me.”

Ellis hugs Zola carefully, “Thank you.”

Zola kisses the top of her head, “It was no problem.”

“Your hair looks sort of cool...with the shaved part.”

“I think so too...it’s messy but Mom says we’ll get it fixed up.”

“How does your shunt work?”

Zola looks happy at the chance to talk about brain surgery. “So...it goes into my brain...where there’s fluid...and for me, there’s too much and it needs to be able to go somewhere else so the shunt goes into my brain...and then it goes into my abdomen so the fluid can drain.”

That’s cool.”

“It is and it keeps me alive so that’s a plus.”

Zola gets to go home after a few days and besides the shaved hair and new scar on her head, you can’t even tell she had surgery. She’s a little tired but pretty much herself again. It makes Ellis really happy to see that her sister is okay. She doesn’t forget the thing Zola said about her being brave. She remembers it at school and it makes her feel a little better. She doesn’t talk in school yet but she hopes that one day she will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing little kids is hard. I hope I did okay.


	4. In Which Zola Handles The Pressure.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was going to make chapter four about Bailey but I had this idea and just had to write it.

High school is difficult. It's extra difficult when you're taking a lot of advanced science courses for a freshman. Zola pushes through though. Good grades mean good college and a good medical school. She needs to get into a good medical school so she can be a good doctor.

She's thinking about what kind of extracurriculars she should do even if it does mean a busier schedule. Colleges like a variety of extracurriculars. She doesn’t think she wants to do the musical. She doesn’t think she’s very good at acting or singing. She wants to ask her mom if Grey Sloan has any kind of volunteer opportunities for people her age. She has to wait so long before she can be a doctor and she wants to see what medicine is like up close.

Homework keeps her up late every night. She wants to get it perfect so her GPA can be perfect. It’s nice to have something be challenging for once. Usually, nothing ever is at school so for once she’s not bored doing work about things she already knows. In middle and elementary school she was definitely known as one of the smart kids. She doesn’t just think that because she likes to brag or she’s full of herself. It’s just true that people knew her for being smart and that she knows that she is smart. She puts all her energy into school work and she succeeds.

The one downside to putting all her energy into schoolwork is that she’s lonely. She has one friend and sometimes it’s not enough. Sofia does better than she does at having a social life and also being school-focused so she has friends that aren’t Zola. She wouldn’t say she’s jealous of those friends but she does wish sometimes she wasn’t one of those super school-focused smart kids. Sofia also doesn’t go to the same school as her so she doesn’t see her much.

Anatomy class is a lot of work. Usually, freshmen don’t take it, and Zola can understand why. She gets overwhelmed with the work sometimes. Even if she gets overwhelmed she loves the class. She loves learning about how the human body works. The class even has them doing research on different conditions and she loves it. She got to pick her own for the current assignment and she decided that she’d pick her own condition because for some reason she loves reading about it. She knows a lot already and has even watched multiple videos of the surgery they use to repair the type of spina bifida she has and videos of shunt surgeries. 

She thinks being born with a birth defect that required her to have neurosurgery multiple times is one of the reasons she wants to be a neurosurgeon like her dad was. Her dad having been one is also a big reason why she wants to be a neurosurgeon. She’s wanted to be one since she understood what it meant and that hasn’t changed. She wants to help people how her dad did and help people who are like her. 

Weekends for most people are a break but not for Zola. It’s a time for her to get as much work done as possible. Most of it she gets done early. Trying to get everything done early is really stressful but it’s not as stressful as getting things done late would be. Zola can’t handle failure. She has an extremely high expectation set for herself. She has to have one if she wants to reach her goal.

Zola spends longer than she needs to on each assignment. She always does more than the teacher asks of her so she knows she’ll get an A. She needs a 4.0 GPA for her best chances at a good college that has the best premed program possible. That means she puts a lot of pressure on herself for every single little assignment. She has to be the best, not just good enough to pass or good enough to get mostly As.

She wonders if it’s healthy to be this focused on school and nothing else. But she’s not the most emotionally healthy person around. Zola most of the time can seem cold. She doesn’t mean to be like that but she just doesn’t like letting her emotions get in the way when she needs to do things. She feels things but usually keeps them internal, especially the negative ones. She thinks it’s some sort of strange coping mechanism she developed as a young child. When she had lost her dad she didn’t cry. She had just hugged her mother before she cried a lot later on. She was only four but she did understand what it meant when Mom had told her that he was dead. She didn’t fully understand but she knew that it meant she would never see him again. She could see that her mother needed someone to comfort her and that she was sad so she had hugged her instead. Zola thinks that’s the moment she started learning how to control her emotions and overtime she just got too good at it.

Having that kind of emotional control means all her stress can be internalized. She uses the internalized stress as a way to motivate herself with schoolwork. The only way she can relieve the stress is by staying on top of the thing she’s stressed about. Even with her always keeping on top of her school work the stress is always there a little bit. Even when she’s thinking about other things her worries about being good enough at school so she can have a good future and be good enough. It’s like an irritating background noise in her head. Like a noise that you can almost ignore but it’s just loud enough that you can’t and you don’t really know where it’s coming from so you can’t shut it off. Zola wishes she could just be better at feeling her emotions. Then the stress would be more than a background noise but she could find where it was coming from and find out how to turn it off.

Zola’s on hour three of doing schoolwork without a break. She decides that she just needs a break. She doesn’t think she’s a good artist but she draws to deal with stress. It’s something she can lose herself in that has nothing to do with school or the future. So she gets her sketchbook and pencils and just draws mindlessly. She starts drawing a person without intending to draw anyone specific. She only planned to take a twenty-minute break but over an hour later she’s just finishing the drawing. She got lost in the creative process.

Zola looks at her drawing. She recognizes the man in the drawing. She hadn’t intended to draw her dad but she let her mind wander when she drew and she had started thinking about him. She can tell that certain things about the drawing aren’t right. She also doesn’t know which things aren’t. She can picture her dad’s smile perfectly and his hair and sometimes his eyes. Everything else about how he looked is fuzzy. Her memory of him gets less and less clear as time passes. He’s been gone for over ten years, in March he’ll have been gone for eleven years. Her siblings always ask her for stories about him. She’s told them a few and she thinks they want more. She doesn’t know how to tell them that she doesn’t remember anything else about him. She wishes she knew more and remembered more. She puts the drawing into a folder in her top desk drawer that has all her special drawings in it. Most of them are of her dad.

Zola opens the bottom drawer. That’s where she keeps a little box of important keepsakes. In the box is a picture that she looks at whenever she can’t remember her dad’s face. She takes out the photo and holds it carefully. It’s a picture of her and her parents. She’s just a baby in the picture, it was probably taken right after she got adopted. Mom looks so much younger and her smile is a little brighter. Her dad is smiling as he holds her. She can see what wasn’t right about the drawing now. She didn’t get the nose right and the eye shape was wrong. The one thing she never gets wrong is the smile. She doesn’t think she could forget the smile. Before she gets too lost in trying to remember she puts the picture away. She needs to focus on her school work now. Staring at a photo of dad won’t make her remember him more or bring him back.

Zola doesn’t get to bed till after midnight. She knows she’ll be sleepy tomorrow but at least she got everything done before the due date. If she doesn’t have homework to do she’ll have time to study for future tests and quizzes. Maybe she’ll even have time to do something that isn’t school. She does so little besides school and she thinks that she really needs to try and have a little more variety in life.

Zola’s lab partner in bio is named Grace. Grace has curly brown hair and brown eyes and huge eyelashes. She’s also about six inches taller than Zola. She’s sweet and she’s funny. Zola’s never had a real crush before this but she definitely likes Grace. She could take a chance on asking her out. She thinks that Grace would maybe like her too. She doesn’t know how to go about telling her. They don’t really talk outside of biology because it’s the only class they share. They talk in the halls sometimes but not for more than a few minutes. She wonders if Grace likes nerdy girls who think brain tumors are an interesting topic. She knows she’s not the type of person most people like. Maybe thinking Grace would possibly like her back is stupid. She doesn’t even know if Grace is gay.

Sometimes when she’s doing mindless drawing on school work breaks she draws Grace. She draws a lot of girls when she’s not drawing her father. She draws girls kissing other girls and girls in short crop tops. Those drawings are the ones she hides extra well because she would rather people not see them because they’re not the most innocent thing in the world. It’s not like she’d get in trouble but Zola doesn’t want some kind of embarrassing sex talk from her mom because she decided to draw a girl with a tasteful side boob that showed just a hint of nipple.

Zola doesn’t tell Grace how she feels even when she has a moment where they’re alone and she could. She doesn’t want the disappointment and she doesn’t have time for a relationship. She’s only fourteen anyway so it’s not like it would last. There’s no point in even trying and she knows that. It still makes her a little sad that she’ll never know how Grace feels about her. 

Focusing on schoolwork over everything else pays off. Because Zola gets an A on her anatomy final. Considering her grades on everything else in the class she pretty much knows she’s getting an A. That’s confirmed for her a few days after winter break starts. Her report card is perfect and she’s got a 4.00 GPA for the first semester. Now she just has to maintain it for the rest of high school.

Four days into the break and she’s already bored. She doesn’t have any work to do and she doesn’t know what to do if her mind isn’t always busy. So she reads about neurosurgical procedures and draws when her eyes hurt from staring at a screen.

Zola’s drawn everyone in her family at some point. She’s drawn her dad more than anything else but she’s also drawn her mom and siblings and even herself a few times. She’s never drawn her whole family together though. Dad dying before Ellis was born means that there isn’t any picture of her whole family together. She hasn’t really thought about it before but now she wants it to exist so badly. She wants to be able to have a family picture where her whole family is in it. She can’t have it for real but she can draw it. It’s the closest thing she can have to a picture of her whole family.

Zola takes longer on that drawing than she’s ever taken on any of her other drawings. She spends forever studying pictures of her family. She tries to imagine how her dad would look if he was alive now and almost eleven years older. She has to start over a lot before she finally gets a picture she feels like is good enough to color in. She spends a few days avoiding using her colored pencils before pulling them out and spends hours coloring the drawing. Once she’s done with that she glues it to a piece of fancy cardboard so it won’t be able to be bent easily and it looks a little like a picture frame.

Zola feels really emotional when she looks at the finished project. It’s imperfect and messy but it’s a picture of her whole family. It’s what could have happened if it wasn’t for the universe deciding to ram a semi-truck into her dad’s car. She wants to show it to her mom. It’s the middle of the night but she feels like she just needs to show it to her right now.

Zola quietly goes into her mom’s room. Luckily the light is on and she’s still awake. Mom’s reading but she puts her book down when she comes in, “Hey Zo.”

Zola gets in the bed next to her mom, “I want to show you something.”

“Okay.”

Zola hands Mom the drawing, “I wanted a real family picture...so I made one.”

Mom is silent for a minute. She touches Dad’s face on the drawing, “This is...Zola, it’s beautiful.”

Zola smiles a small, sad smile, “Do you want to keep it?” She knows that something like this must mean a lot to her mom.

Mom shakes her head, “We can put it in the living room okay?”

Zola puts her head on her mom’s shoulder, “Okay.”

Mom kisses her head, “You draw very well.”

Zola smiles a little more at the compliment, “I guess...I just do it when I need to destress.”

“Well...you’re still very good.”

Zola looks at the drawing that her mom is holding and thinks that at least about this drawing her mom is right. She did a pretty good job drawing it, “Thank you.”

Mom hangs up the drawing in the living room the next day. Bailey and Ellis love it just as much as Mom does. Zola’s just happy there’s something like a family picture that really includes the whole family that’s hanging on the wall now. It’s something she’s wanted for a long time and she finally has it. 

Now that she’s done with making a full family photo, Zola needs something else to occupy her brain. She’s bored now that she doesn’t always have school work. She likes not being stressed but now she has no idea what to do with her time. She wishes she had something to work on. She can only do so much drawing and reading before she gets bored. She needs something stimulating to do or she’ll go insane.

For Christmas Mom gets her a real suture practice pad. It’s just the stimulation she needs. She spends several days. She knows she’s a bit old to play doctor but she doesn't care. She dresses in the scrubs her mom got for her and her siblings a while back to play doctor with. She also plays with Ellis and Bailey which she hasn’t done in forever. They pretend to be surgeons and operate on dolls like they did when they were younger. For the first time in a long time, she’s not stressed out at all and she’s able to forget about school.

Winter break ends and Zola has mixed feelings. She’s happy to go back to school but not happy to deal with the stress. Her new classes are just as hard as the ones she did last semester. It doesn’t take more than a few days for her to be always busy all the time. She doesn’t have time for detailed drawings or random late-night research anymore. She just does school and almost never has a free moment. Her fifteenth birthday comes around and she doesn’t even let herself have a day off for that. She can’t stop working just because she’s another year older.

Grace isn’t in any of her classes anymore but she still talks to Zola in the hall. One day they’re both getting water during class. So they’re alone in the hall. Grace smiles showing off her gap tooth, “Hey Zola.”

Zola smiles, “Hi.”

Grace is quiet for a moment, “Can I...kiss you?”

Zola feels her face heat up, “You want to kiss me?”  
“You can say no.”

Zola doesn’t have to think about her answer for more than a few seconds, “Yes.”

Grace puts her hand on her cheek. She has to lean down to kiss Zola. The kiss is quick but it makes Zola feel all warm inside. She has a big smile on her face, “Oh wow.”

Grace smiles back, “That was nice.”

Zola nods, “It was.”

Grace takes her hand off Zola’s cheek, “I’ve got to go okay?”

Zola’s a little disappointed, “Okay.”

Zola can’t focus very well in class after that. She got kissed by another girl. A pretty girl. Grace, who she was worried was straight, kissed her. It was only for a few seconds but it was still a kiss. She had her first kiss. She wonders if Grace will want to kiss her again. She hopes so because it was really awesome. She can’t stop thinking about it for the rest of the day. Zola Shepherd, an extreme nerd, had her first kiss. The universe must have decided to throw her a bone and give her something good to make up for her being so stressed all the time.

Zola kisses Grace again the next day. It makes her happy. It also makes her sad and confused because she doesn’t think this will work for real.

A few days later Grace finds her after school and asks her, “So...do you want to try actually dating?”

Zola wants to say yes. She really does want to say yes. But she’s spent the past few days thinking about it and she doesn’t think she can say yes. It wouldn’t be fair to date her. She’s so busy and she’s not going to have enough time for her, “I can’t.”

Grace looks sad and it makes Zola feel guilty, “Why not?”

“Because I’m just...not ready.”

“Okay...that’s fine.”

Clearly it’s not fine because now Grace won’t talk to her. She feels bad for saying no but she couldn’t have said yes. She needs to focus on school before a romantic relationship. She’s sad that she pretty much lost one of her only friends. She still has Sofia but Sofia is still at another school. They still talk but they’ve both been busy and she hasn’t seen her for weeks. She thinks that maybe she should ask her to hang out soon. She’ll have to find a time that she’s free which is easier said than done.  
When she’s awake at three in the morning it makes Zola wonder if she’s putting too many responsibilities on herself. She’s exhausted and not even done. She just wants to be done so she can sleep but she doesn’t feel like she can sleep until she’s done. But her hands are shaking and her head hurts and she doesn’t feel like working anymore. She actually just feels like curling up in a ball and crying. But she can’t cry or she’ll get her paper wet and it could get ripped or the writing could get smudged and then she’d have to start over and she can’t handle starting over. She’s already working for too long and she won’t be able to do it again. She just wants to finish and sleep but she’s so sleepy that making words work is hard.

Zola can’t do it. She can’t finish school work tonight because she’s too tired. She puts it back in the folder and puts the folder in her backpack. It’s not even due yet so it’s fine that it’s not finished. Even if not getting it done early makes her worry. Even if it stresses her out so much that her head hurts worse and her ears are ringing. She should get in bed but she just sits on the floor holding her backpack. She needs to get in pajamas but she still doesn’t move. She needs to brush her teeth too. There’s so many little things she needs to do. She’s so overwhelmed and tired that she just starts to cry on the floor still holding the backpack.

The crying gets her mom to come in. She kneels on the floor next to her and puts a hand on her shoulder, “Zola...what’s wrong..are you hurt?”

Zola leans into her mom’s touch, “No...I’m just really stressed and tired.”

Mom takes the backpack out of her arms and hugs her tightly, “You’ve been doing a lot Zo.”

Zola instantly feels better when she gets hugged. She’s still crying but not as hard, “I know...I just haven’t been giving myself a break.”

Mom brushes her hair with her fingers, “I know...do you have anything important to do at school tomorrow?”

“No.”

“Why don’t you come to work with me then?”

Zola almost says no so she can keep a perfect attendance record. She decides that having a perfect attendance is not worth missing a day she could spend with her mom having fun,“Okay...I will.”

Mom kisses the top of her head, “That’s good, now you need to get to sleep.”

“Okay.”

Mom gets her pajamas for her. She tucks Zola in when she gets into bed too. Zola barely has time to say goodnight before she falls asleep.

She gets to sleep a little later the next day which is nice. Then she gets to go to the hospital with Mom. She wonders if it’s some kind of illegal for her to be in the parts of the hospital that Mom is going to take her to today. It’s at least against hospital policy but her Mom is on the board so she can get around things like that. She’s still not allowed in the OR but Mom is going to let her sit in the OR gallery when she does a liver transplant. 

She’s getting a few funny looks from the few interns in the OR gallery and she understands why. It’s not normal to have a kid in the OR gallery. She doesn’t care though, she’ll just let them stare. She loves watching her mom do surgery. She’s got amazing hands and it’s so clear how skilled she is. Zola hopes that one day she’ll be that good of a surgeon or even half as good. She wants to be a Cathrine Fox award winner too. 

One of the interns seems to be unable to resist her curiosity about her because she comes over to talk to her, “Are you supposed to be here?”

Zola reluctantly looks away from the surgery, “Yes.”

“Who let you in?”

“Doctor Grey did.”

“And you are?”

“Zola Grey Shepherd...Doctor Grey is my mom.” Zola smiles at the brief look of surprise on the intern’s face. It’s funny how people are surprised when they find out she’s Meredith Grey’s child. It’s like they don’t know that adopted people exist or something.

“Oh...I’m Doctor Keller..I’m an intern.”

“I figured...Do you work with my mom?”

“Yeah...I do...I want to specialize in general so I’m trying to learn as much from her as I can.”

“She’s great.”

Doctor Keller stops looking at Zola so she can watch the surgery, “She really is.”

Zola goes back to watching as well. She can’t wait to be a doctor. When she’s not just watching but doing. But she’s lucky she even gets to watch. She’s lucky to have an amazing surgeon for a mother. Most kids her age who want to be surgeons don’t get to watch surgery at a top of the line hospital. 

After she’s scrubbed out once the surgery is over Mom comes to the gallery so she can take her to the cafeteria so she can get her lunch. Zola gets pizza and chocolate pudding. She knows from her hospitals after shunt revisions that Grey Sloan has excellent chocolate pudding. So she gets herself two cups of it.

Mom seems happy that she’s happy, “Are you having a good day?”

Zola smiles, “Yes...do you know where the hospital gets the pudding?”

“No.”

“Well, it’s my favorite chocolate pudding.”

“I know...you always eat a lot of it when you’re here.”

Zola laughs, “That’s the perk of needing multiple surgeries.”

“I wish you didn’t..but I’m glad you’ve been able to find positives in it.”

“Me too.”

“I’m sure one day someone will find a better solution than shunts that have to be frequently replaced.”

Zola already knows that someone will. Because she’s going to be that someone, “I’m going to be the one to do it.”

Mom smiles, “I can’t wait to see you be a surgeon...you’re going to be extraordinary.”

“Do you think I can be as good as Dad?’

“Of course you could be.”

“Good.”

“You’re going to be a great neurosurgeon...you’ll carry on the Shepherd legacy.”

“Do you think I’d get a Catherine Fox award if I cured hydrocephalus?” Zola doesn’t really care if she gets one or not but it would be a nice bonus to curing her own disease and making a lot of people’s lives much easier.

“I think so...a cure for hydrocephalus would make a lot of lives so much easier...then hydrocephalus patients wouldn’t need repeated surgeries...especially pediatric patients.”   
Zola’s really excited to get a chance to talk about neurosurgery with her mom, “I know...especially since half of pediatric shunts fail in two years...I had my last surgery two years ago and I might need another one soon because of that failure rate...the most common treatment we have for hydrocephalus isn’t even close to a cure and it’s ridiculous that there’s not a more effective treatment that would be much easier to cope with than repeated surgeries when the shunt inevitably fails...imagine if the only treatment for cancer was something where the tumor would pretty much always grow back in a few years....hydrocephalus needs to be taken more seriously.”

Mom just looks proud of her, “You amaze me.”

Zola feels all warm and soft inside, “Do I?”

“You really do...you’re so passionate and smart and ambitious and you’re already an extraordinary person.”

Zola smiles, “I have an extraordinary mother who made me that way.”

Mom gives her an extra tight hug after that. Zola hugs her back as tightly as she can. She’s glad that she skipped school today. Getting to spend a day with her mom made her remember that she can handle the pressure of life and that she’ll become who she wants to be. She can be an extraordinary person because she has a truly extraordinary mother who made her into who she is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Zola so much so I'm glad I got this longer chapter for her.


End file.
